I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what's going on. I feel like I'm detached, like no one sees me, hears me or cares.
The cycle is continuing, and is coming around again. I don't know what to do because all I can think about is the last time this happened. How I cried and was sick, how I feel at the idea of not having him in my life. At the same time, I feel like I'm being smothered. I feel like everything I do, he's judging. I feel like I should neglect my friends to talk to him, online, from 1500 miles away. Neglect my friends who are here and sitting in front of me, who want me to go out with them, hang with them, doing things with them. But whenever I say anything about it to Marc, it's the jealousy and the guilt trips.
I don't want this cycle to be this way. But I don't think I can help it. I just want to be free. I want to fly, to soar above the clouds without a care in the world. But I'm stuck here, with these people who pretend to listen, but don't. Who pretend to care but couldn't care less.
I keep saying that I love him, and I truly feel that I do. And it's because of this that I'm having a hard time processing these thoughts and dreams. Dreaming about Andrew? That shouldn't be happening.
The only thing that I can figure for this is that all I have of Marc is being able to talk to him. I don't have a physical person that I can touch and be with. That doesn't mean that I'm going to go out and do something like that with someone else, it just might help explain what's going through my head.
I'm tired of telling people the same thing over and over and for them to just ignore me. I'm tired of talking about the same thing, of feeling the same thing over and over in the matter of a few months. I want this all to be over with, I want to have an end, something that's sure. I want to be able to focus on my school work, and my future and not have to worry about pleasing someone. I want to be able to please myself first. I want to be happy.
"She smiles... but is she really happy?"
The cycle is continuing, and is coming around again. I don't know what to do because all I can think about is the last time this happened. How I cried and was sick, how I feel at the idea of not having him in my life. At the same time, I feel like I'm being smothered. I feel like everything I do, he's judging. I feel like I should neglect my friends to talk to him, online, from 1500 miles away. Neglect my friends who are here and sitting in front of me, who want me to go out with them, hang with them, doing things with them. But whenever I say anything about it to Marc, it's the jealousy and the guilt trips.
I don't want this cycle to be this way. But I don't think I can help it. I just want to be free. I want to fly, to soar above the clouds without a care in the world. But I'm stuck here, with these people who pretend to listen, but don't. Who pretend to care but couldn't care less.
I keep saying that I love him, and I truly feel that I do. And it's because of this that I'm having a hard time processing these thoughts and dreams. Dreaming about Andrew? That shouldn't be happening.
The only thing that I can figure for this is that all I have of Marc is being able to talk to him. I don't have a physical person that I can touch and be with. That doesn't mean that I'm going to go out and do something like that with someone else, it just might help explain what's going through my head.
I'm tired of telling people the same thing over and over and for them to just ignore me. I'm tired of talking about the same thing, of feeling the same thing over and over in the matter of a few months. I want this all to be over with, I want to have an end, something that's sure. I want to be able to focus on my school work, and my future and not have to worry about pleasing someone. I want to be able to please myself first. I want to be happy.
"She smiles... but is she really happy?"
posted by Ryan Kathleen at 3:31 PM
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