Four days... four days and not a word from him. I don't know what to do anymore. Two people so far have told me to wait until the weekend and then do whatever it is that I choose. Well, it's the weekend. It's 1:30 on Saturday and there's still no word. What am I supposed to do? What is that I choose to do? I've left messages. And I'm not getting a response, whether or not he's seen them or heard them, I don't know. But I haven't gotten a response. And it makes me sad and angry and I don't know what to do.
I'm tired of all the mess of dating and attempting to find a husband. I want it all to end, and to just be happy. I'm giving up, no on emotions, but in try to find my future husband and family. I'm just giving up on it.

I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what's going on. I feel like I'm detached, like no one sees me, hears me or cares.
The cycle is continuing, and is coming around again. I don't know what to do because all I can think about is the last time this happened. How I cried and was sick, how I feel at the idea of not having him in my life. At the same time, I feel like I'm being smothered. I feel like everything I do, he's judging. I feel like I should neglect my friends to talk to him, online, from 1500 miles away. Neglect my friends who are here and sitting in front of me, who want me to go out with them, hang with them, doing things with them. But whenever I say anything about it to Marc, it's the jealousy and the guilt trips.
I don't want this cycle to be this way. But I don't think I can help it. I just want to be free. I want to fly, to soar above the clouds without a care in the world. But I'm stuck here, with these people who pretend to listen, but don't. Who pretend to care but couldn't care less.
I keep saying that I love him, and I truly feel that I do. And it's because of this that I'm having a hard time processing these thoughts and dreams. Dreaming about Andrew? That shouldn't be happening.
The only thing that I can figure for this is that all I have of Marc is being able to talk to him. I don't have a physical person that I can touch and be with. That doesn't mean that I'm going to go out and do something like that with someone else, it just might help explain what's going through my head.
I'm tired of telling people the same thing over and over and for them to just ignore me. I'm tired of talking about the same thing, of feeling the same thing over and over in the matter of a few months. I want this all to be over with, I want to have an end, something that's sure. I want to be able to focus on my school work, and my future and not have to worry about pleasing someone. I want to be able to please myself first. I want to be happy.
"She smiles... but is she really happy?"

Apparently there's something wrong with me. Julie thinks I'm mad at her because she claims I've been throwing off really strange vibes ever since this morning. But of course she doesn't say anything. Nobody else seems to care because they're to wrapped up in their own lives to pay any attention to anyone else. But then of course, I have to care about everyone and every stupid little thing that goes on in their lives. I really don't, but I really don't have any choice but to listen to everyone bitch and moan about how hard their life really is.
Then tonight, Kelsey says that "people" think I'm spending too much time with Tim. And that I'm flirty, and pretty much (in my head) calling me a slut and whore who cheats on their boyfriend. Let's get something straight right now. I am in love with Marc. I know what it feels like to go without him, to have that feeling of never being whole ever again, of not being able to ever hold him in my arms again. I don't want that feeling back. I cried for two weeks and made myself sick. I am not going to go through that shit again. I would, and will never cheat on Marc. As far as Tim goes - he's a freshman. I am a junior. I am three years his senior. It's not going to happen. I don't treat him any differently than any other guy in my friend group. Spending too much time with him? I see him in class and randomly at meals. Does he come over and hang out? Sure but not every night, not even every weekend. Tonight he came over, played Dynasty Warriors, which he has been talking about since he found out Julie owned it, passed out on my couch for 15 minutes, chatted for a bit and then left. Big fricken whoop. Wow, that's just grounds to say I'm cheating on my boyfriend.
Flirty? Anyone who has known me for a week knows that that's just how I am. That that is my personality. I don't mean anything by it, I don't treat anyone any differently, I hold no biases. That's just who I am. Period. End of story.
But what gets me the most is the fact that apparently "people" have been talking about this behind my back for a while and no one has had the guts or balls to come to me and say anything, or ask me about or shit. If they had, I probably would not be as pissed as I am now. These people who attest to being my friends, who I have hung out with for 2 and a half years, can't come to me with something as petty as this is. For that matter, even assuming anything without first consulting me. I'm insulted and offended. But do I say anything about it? Of course not. But you know what, this time I am. I'm going to confront my so called "friends" about it and if I walk away with people pissed at me, so what? I don't care anymore.
I'm sick of hearing people complain about boyfriends or potential boyfriend, or "am I spending too much time with him?" or "am I not spending enough time with him?" or "I won't get to see him for a few days..." I. Don't. Care. The man I love is 1500 miles away from me and I'm not going to be able to see him until Christmas, if I even go home. If I don't, it won't be till May. And I miss him, and I want him to hold me, and I want to be with him. But instead I'm here, in the middle of fucking nowhere Kansas trying to get an education that I'm failing at, being accused of cheating by people I thought of as friends, listening to their bitching and moaning about petty little shit. Well I'm sorry, but I don't want to hear it anymore. I'm sick of being the one everyone unloads on. I'm sick of being the one that has to be strong for everyone else. And I'm sick of taking it all out on my mother when she calls to talk to me. I'm sick of continually getting into fights with my mother because I can't take it out anywhere else. I'm sick of hurting my mother's feelings and not appreciating her when she has been there with me through everything and continues to be.
Yeah, people's lives are hard. But don't come bitching to me until you live a day in my shoes. Don't come talking to me about how much pain you are in, how tired you are, how much you miss your boyfriend or girlfriend, or your family, or any other shit that you think is a problem. Take a look at my life for a change, walk in my shoes, live my life. Trust me, I would give anything to trade places with anyone in this world, if even for just one day.